I love how I’m a jumble of contradictions. Remember when I claimed to be a verbal processor and then a few days later resumed blogging silence? Please note, I also honestly stated it typically happens in my journal and only occasionally does it manifest into a blog post.
When things are hard and there’s so much to do, communicating with God, myself, and my three men are almost all I can force myself to do. With everyone else it feels like my processor is broken. The explanation is long, the story feels like it’s too much, and often talking about it causes a flood of emotion. But I know the inquiries are sincere. The hearts that carry our burden and lift us in prayer are only expressing their care and concern. Information only helps them know how to love, serve, and pray well.
It’s these moments of recognition and humility that spur me on to say out loud the truth of what we’re currently wrestling with.
An MRI was scheduled and Garrett handled it like a pro. I think just enough time had passed since the last one for him to remember enough of what it was like and forget enough of what it was like to walk into this one confidently. Isn’t it amazing how God prepared him this way? He left me and threw a “See you later Mom!” over his shoulder. No biggie.
When he returned he acknowledged that he had forgotten how scary it was and how alone he feels during the MRI. I reminded him that he is NEVER alone.
This MRI, compared to the one he had prior to his surgery this past June, doesn’t show much difference. Meaning, all that the surgeon did hasn’t had a great impact on the spinal cord because of the area they were unable to free up without causing irreparable damage.
This week Garrett saw his physical therapist for the first time in a month. A repeat assessment shows the neurologic dysfunction worsened, but we’re maintaining range of motion and flexibility. Again, it feels like everything in my life leading to this time has been the Lord’s purposeful preparation.
We’re scheduled for tests on his bladder and kidneys the first week of December, these are the first organs to show neurologic distress in these cases. We’re working on scheduling an appointment with another neurosurgeon to get a second opinion.
Garrett’s up and down. He has good moments and hard painful ones. Of course physically, but I see more emotional waves in him as well.
As it stands, the daily battle is our new normal. Surgery of some kind will be required at some point. There are risks to waiting and there are risks to acting. Great risks. We’re pursuing all knowledge and information we can here and from our heavenly Father.
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened—
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.